Song: Talking to the Moon
Artist: Bruno Mars
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Today was Brayden's baptism. I surprised myself by being really present and focussing on the boy in my arms instead of the one so obviously missing. But I had moments today where I caught myself talking to Ryan the only ways I can: rubbing his charm on my bracelet, or holding onto a teddy bear a little too tightly... my ways of communicating with him. Letting him know how much he's missed. How much in these special moments he is thought of, and wondered about. These moments he never got to have. 

​Lyrics:
​I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back
I want you back
My neighbors think I'm crazy
But they don't understand
You're all I had
You're all I had

[Chorus:]
At night when the stars light up my room
I sit by myself talking to the moon.
Trying to get to you
In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too.
Or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon?

Ohoooo...

I'm feeling like I'm famous
The talk of the town
They say I've gone mad
Yeah, I've gone mad
But they don't know what I know
Cause when the sun goes down
Someone's talking back
Yeah, they're talking back
Ohhh

At night when the stars light up my room
I sit by myself talking to the moon.
Trying to get to you
In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too.
Or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon?

Ahh... Ahh... Ahh...
Do you ever hear me calling?
(Ahh... Ahh... Ahh...)
Oh ohh oh oh ohhh
'Cause every night I'm talking to the moon

Still trying to get to you
In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too
Or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon?

Ohoooo...

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away

Song: The Distance
Artist: Evan and Jaron
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I write a lot about feeling close to Ryan. About all the things I do to try and feel closer to him. We celebrate him every 7th of the month. I visit his grave. I tend to his garden. I write these little blog posts in his memory. But some days, no matter what I do, it's the distance I feel the most. It's a really shitty thing for a parent to be separated from her child. 

Lyrics:
The sky has lost it's colour
The sun has turned to grey
At least that's how it feels to me
Whenever you're away
I crawl up in the corner
As I watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time you're comin' back

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm callin your name

But I can't take the distance

I still believe my feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it ain't close enough
Not nearly close enough

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm callin your name

I brave fire and I brave rain
To be by your side I'd do anything
I can't take the distance

I will go the distance
I will go the miles
That's how much you mean to me

'Cause I can't take the distance
I can't take these miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm calling your name
I can't take the distance

It's hard to remember
As long as you're away
When I find solace
There's only one way

Song: Broken Halos
Artist: Chris Stapleton
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Full disclosure. This was the only prompt I couldn't think of a song for. It drove me crazy for days trying to find the perfect song. Then I finally gave in and said, "Who cares!? This song is beautiful and doesn't fit anywhere else, so I'll use it here." And then I realized that's what succumbing is all about right? Giving in to whatever it is that plagues you. And sometimes you have to succumb to those demons for a little while to come out the other side with what you need. So here's the song for today. All of Chris Stapleton's music is so beautiful to me, but I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it. Then in an interview he explained that it's about people who died too soon. So it obviously resonated with me.

Lyrics:
Seen my share of broken halos
Folded wings that used to fly
They've all gone wherever they go
Broken halos that used to shine

Angels come down from the heavens
Just to help us on our way
Come to teach us, then they leave us
And they find some other soul to save

Seen my share of broken halos
Folded wings that used to fly
They've all gone wherever they go
Broken halos that used to shine
Broken halos that used to shine

Don't go looking for the reasons
Don't go asking Jesus why
We're not meant to know the answers
They belong to the by and by
They belong to the by and by

Seen my share of broken halos
Folded wings that used to fly
They've all gone wherever they go
Broken halos that used to shine
Broken halos that used to shine
Broken halos that used to shine
Broken halos that used to shine

Song: Reflection
Artist: Christina Aguilera
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Yesterday I wrote about the good days. Today, I'll mention the tough ones. Once upon a time when a bad day hit, I'd hide under the covers and just let myself be "in it" for a while. These days, I find I'm not as quick to let myself sit in the sadness. I always feel like I have a million other things to do. I don't "have time" to grieve too deeply in those tough moments. So I put on a tough face and head out to do my thing. I don't recommend this. I don't recommend sitting in a dark room and crying alone either. But I do recommend being true to yourself and your grief. I shouldn't hide from it. And I don't think I should have to hide it from others either. It's a part of me. And I need to own it.

Lyrics:
Look at me 
You may think you see 
Who I really am 
But you'll never know me 
Every day 
It's as if I play a part 
Now I see 
If I wear a mask 
I can fool the world 
But I cannot fool my heart 

Who is that girl I see 
Staring straight back at me? 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside? 

I am now 
In a world where I 
Have to hide my heart 
And what I believe in 
But somehow 
I will show the world 
What's inside my heart 
And be loved for who I am 

Who is that girl I see 
Staring straight back at me? 
Why is my reflection 
Someone I don't know? 
Must I pretend that I'm 
Someone else for all time? 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside? 

There's a heart that must be 
Free to fly 
That burns with a need to know 
The reason why 

Why must we all conceal 
What we think, how we feel? 
Must there be a secret me 
I'm forced to hide? 
I won't pretend that I'm 
Someone else for all time 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside? 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside?

Song: Fight Song
Artist: Rachel Platten
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Here's a song for the days you feel like you're really managing. The days like today, where you seem to expertly juggle your grief and your happiness. When you don't feel like the grief is beating you up, but you feel like you're meeting it head on and spinning it into something useful. Something that good can grow from. On these days I feel both of my boys with me so strongly. We stood beside Ryan's tree today and I watched Brayden play gently with the leaves. Examining every branch. I was filled with joy in that moment, instead of sadness. When these days come, the days that I feel in control, I think of my friends. Because I know I couldn't feel this way without them. Without the friends who stood by my side since day one. The friendships that were rekindled when people reached out to me out of love and support. The friendships that began with women all over the world because our babies brought us together. The friendships that fell apart because of a lack of understanding and changes in me. I'm where I am today because of these friends. Most days, they give me my strength. And I'm so grateful for them.

Lyrics:
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song (Hey!)
Take back my life song (Hey!)
Prove I'm alright song (Hey!)
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

No I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Song: Better Place
Artist: Rachel Platten
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This playlist needs another song for Brayden. Another song to celebrate the healing power of my rainbow. The sweet little baby who has become my sunshine. This amazing little guy who has made my world a better place.

Lyrics:
I'll tell the world, I'll sing a song
It's a better place since you came along
Since you came along
Your touch is sunlight through the trees
Your kisses are the ocean breeze
Everything's alright when you're with me

And ah ah ah ah ah, you're my favorite thing
Ah ah ah ah ah, all the love that you bring
But it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong
It's a better place since you came along
It's a better place since you came along

I see the whole world in your eyes
It's like I've known you all my life
We just feel so right
So I pour my heart into your hands
It's like you really understand
You love the way I am

And ah ah ah ah ah, you're my favorite thing
Ah ah ah ah ah, all the happiness you bring
But it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
And the sun paints the skies and the wind sings her song
It's a better place since you came along
It's a better place since you came along

Ah ah ah ah ah
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ah ah ah ah ah
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Now I'm alright, now I'm alright
Everything's alright

Cause it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong
It's a better place since you came along
It's a better place since you came along

Song: Tears in Heaven
Artist: Eric Clapton
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I don't do a lot of thinking about Heaven. Or about Ryan in Heaven. It's never brought me comfort to imagine him wrapped in the arms of God or Mary or whoever. I've just always clung to the want for him to be in MY arms, so "Heaven" is of little comfort to me. But at the same time, I do a lot of thinking of meeting again someday. I've actually gotten really hung up on the question of what he'll be like when we do meet again. If I'm fortunate enough to live a long life and die an old lady, when we meet again will he still be a little baby? Will he be grown too? Will I be an old lady? A weird thing to get hung up on, I know. Especially when I'm having a hard time with the Heaven concept. Where exactly are we meeting if not Heaven? Strange ramblings today... But they coincide perfectly with my song. For now, I live my life. I miss him. I cry. And someday, we'll meet again, and I'll have answers to these random questions.

Lyrics:
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please, begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Song: Remember Me This Way
Artist: Jordan Hill
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Remember. As if I could forget. It's Mother's Day, and few days could force me to remember more than today. One of my fellow loss mamas said it best: Ryan made me a mom. Brayden made my motherhood dreams come true. For me, today is a day for balancing what my motherhood is. It's mothering Brayden here on earth with kisses and cuddles and all those other important things like diapers, naps, and feedings. But it's also finding ways to mother Ryan. That's so important to me. Lately, I've been working on focusing how he is still present instead of only seeing his absence. Especially on days like today. It means incorporating him into our celebration instead of only feeling miserable that he's not here. I'm tackling the challenge in finding you in beautiful things. Today we grabbed some sweets from a favourite bakery, a storybook about a mom and her boy, a picnic blanket, and the 4 of us spent some time at Ryan's place. We talked, and laughed, and read, and ate. And had some time together. Then we moved on to our next activity. Our family certainly doesn't look like most other families, but it looks pretty special to me. And I still miss him. I miss him so fiercely I can't help but think of him during every moment we shared today. But today it was about thinking of him and smiling. The boy who made me a mom. I need to do more of this. Every day. Not just special days.

Lyrics:
Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found

I know you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

I don't need eyes to see
The love you bring to me
No matter where I go
And I know that you'll be there
Forever more a part of me, you're everywhere
I'll always care

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
I'll be standing by your side and all you do
And I won't ever leave
As long as you believe
You just believe
​
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

Song: A Thousand Years
Artist: Christina Perri
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I couldn't talk about what's healed me and not mention my boy, Brayden. Being pregnant again during that first year of grieving Ryan was so scary, but so healing. And nothing brought me more peace than those first moments we shared once he was born. Not a day goes by that I'm not thankful for him. On the hardest days, where we're both in tears and I'm not quite sure at all what I'm doing, it usually just takes a well-timed smile on his end for all of the doubt and hurt to wash away. He has changed my whole world. He doesn't take away the pain of losing his brother, but he definitely has lightened up some of darkness. He's brought "colours and promises" back to my life. We were definitely meant to be. I'm so lucky to be his mom.

Lyrics:
Heart beats fast
Colours and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone,
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid.
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid.
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid.
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more 

Song: Every Little Thing
Artist: Carly Pearce

There's a lyric in this song that's a play on the quote: "Time heals all wounds." She sings, "They say time is the only healer. Oh God, I hope that isn't right." The song is about not wanting to remember every little thing about a lost love. It's about the little reminders that haunt her after he's gone. I live for those reminders. I want to remember every little thing. Because I find as time moves on, and especially as I start making more and more memories with Brayden, I'm clinging so hard to the few memories I have with Ryan. I want to remember it all as vividly as I can. I also hope that time doesn't heal the wounds. The wounds left behind remind me of him. And I want to remember every little thing I can.

Lyrics:
The scent that you left on my pillow
The sound of your heart beating with mine
The look in your eyes like a window 
The taste of your kiss soaked in wine 

Every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Of every little thing

Guess you forgot what you told me
Because you left my heart on the floor
Baby, your ghost still haunts me 
But I don't want to sleep with him no more 

Every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Of every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Of every little thing

They say time is the only healer
God, I hope that isn't right 
Cause right now I'd die to not remember 

Every little thing
I remember every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Every little thing
I remember every little thing
I'm haunted by the memories of
Every little thing
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting
Every little thing