One of the things I have found comfort in when I think of Ryan is that he is surrounded by the spirits of other beautiful little babies just like him. Oh how I wish all of those sweet babies were in the arms of their moms and dads instead. But the reality is, my baby is not alone. He is one of many taken too soon or without even a chance to breathe earth's air.
So when I think of Ryan, he's often surrounded by the light of so many others. I often think of him surrounded by friends. The babies of the moms I have met in the past five months. Connected through this horrible circumstance we have found makes up our realities.
Much earlier in my grief journey (though I am still very much in the early-stages), I came across this beautiful thought:
At the time, with my wounds still so fresh, I found no beauty or truth in this. I did not feel strong. Or brave. And I could not find comfort in Ryan being anywhere but in my arms.
It's a testament to my growth and progress that I can find beauty in these words now. That I can think on this sentiment and hope so hard that it's true. It brings a smile to my heart, which is a scary thing. That I can find peace without Ryan here with me. Something I would have never thought possible only a few short months ago.
And so, my complicated journey continues. With Ryan and his friends watching every moment.