Song: Remember Me This Way
Artist: Jordan Hill
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Remember. As if I could forget. It's Mother's Day, and few days could force me to remember more than today. One of my fellow loss mamas said it best: Ryan made me a mom. Brayden made my motherhood dreams come true. For me, today is a day for balancing what my motherhood is. It's mothering Brayden here on earth with kisses and cuddles and all those other important things like diapers, naps, and feedings. But it's also finding ways to mother Ryan. That's so important to me. Lately, I've been working on focusing how he is still present instead of only seeing his absence. Especially on days like today. It means incorporating him into our celebration instead of only feeling miserable that he's not here. I'm tackling the challenge in finding you in beautiful things. Today we grabbed some sweets from a favourite bakery, a storybook about a mom and her boy, a picnic blanket, and the 4 of us spent some time at Ryan's place. We talked, and laughed, and read, and ate. And had some time together. Then we moved on to our next activity. Our family certainly doesn't look like most other families, but it looks pretty special to me. And I still miss him. I miss him so fiercely I can't help but think of him during every moment we shared today. But today it was about thinking of him and smiling. The boy who made me a mom. I need to do more of this. Every day. Not just special days.

Lyrics:
Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found

I know you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

I don't need eyes to see
The love you bring to me
No matter where I go
And I know that you'll be there
Forever more a part of me, you're everywhere
I'll always care

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
I'll be standing by your side and all you do
And I won't ever leave
As long as you believe
You just believe
​
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

There is not a second that goes by that I don’t realize how fortunate we are to have Brayden here with us this Christmas. Baby’s first Christmas is as much for mom and dad as it is for baby. And the past two days have been such a blessing. So full of joy. So full of love.
 
My days leading up to today have been full too. Full of the hustle and bustle that have come to define the season. Shopping, wrapping, visiting. Singing and dancing to Christmas carols in the living room with a little one bouncing in my arms. Santa photos. Planning for travels. Packing for overnight visits. The days have been non-stop.
 
I didn’t take a lot of time to think about the reason my heart has been hurting. Didn’t take a lot of time to sit alone with Ryan in my heart. Not this year. Not compared to the entire season being devoted to him last year.
 
Yes, wistful smiles crossed my lips as I hung his ornaments this year. Trying to comprehend how we were embarking on our second Christmas without him, and how truly different this year looks from last.
 
New traditions began as we trudged through the snow at the cemetery on Christmas Eve to decorate the tree nearest his resting place with cute little ornaments Santa’s elves must have dropped off in his stocking.
 
We lit his candle on the mantle and it burned all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
 
Ryan Bear never sat out of sight. Slept in my bed.
 
And yet, it wasn’t until 3am on Christmas morning, as I sat in the dimly lit bedroom, feeding this little bundle in my arms, this little baby who has brightened so much of my holiday season this year, that I realized I had finally slowed down long enough to think of him. Truly think of Ryan. And how even though so much has changed, so much progress has been made, one thing has stayed the same.
 
I still miss him. And he should still be here.
 
I wish I had an active one-year-old tearing open gifts and cheesing it up for the camera. What it must feel like to see your two boys posing together in matching pjs by the Christmas tree.
 
I still miss Ryan. And here on our second Christmas without him, I’m reminded that no number of incredible blessings will ever take away the sting of his absence. The injustice of the empty place at my table. The pain of the hole in my heart.
 
In my life, Christmas has always been a time for family, and here I am, with this little family I never expected to have, and I make it work.
 
Brayden’s first Christmas was a beautiful, wonderful, special, and joyful occasion to be certain. And it was full of special little touches of Ryan that brought some extra special light to the celebrations. And although this Christmas was abundantly more joyful than our first without him, it wasn’t much easier. It was full of complicated emotions. But I’m proud of how special and joyful we were able to make it for Brayden. I’m proud of how we continue to find ways to celebrate the season and Brayden and Ryan all at the same time.
 
I hate that he’s gone. I hate that I have to miss him instead of cuddle him and tuck him in at night. But I love that he is part of my family. I love that even in his absence he has become part of our Christmas traditions and I know in time those traditions will only gain in strength and importance.
 
And so, from my little family to yours, no matter what your family looks like, or how you choose to celebrate it this holiday season, we wish you all the best this Christmas and in the year to come.
 
Merry Christmas.

Christmas is officially one month away. Usually by now my house is full decorated inside and out and the Christmas music has been playing for about 25 days. I've even probably had a few egg nogs. That wasn't the case last year, our first holiday season without Ryan, and I'm surprised to say that it isn't the case this year either.  It did eventually get everything done last year, just in its own time. My excuse being that I simply wasn't ready. In my own mind, that "excuse" doesn't seem as appropriate this year, so I've created others. It's too cold or rainy. We're busy with guests. The house is a mess. I have to clean first. The baby is being particularly needy. But they are just excuses. Despite coming from a long line of very festive and holiday-loving people, for the past two years I have just found it a little bit strange (difficult?) to feel festive when I'm missing someone so badly. But that doesn't mean I don't WANT to be the same elf-ish celebrator of Christmas I once was. 

So last year, I scoured the internet for ways to bring Ryan into my season. Ways to include him, incorporate him, and celebrate him along with all of the rest of the celebrations. It was kind of a tough search. At that time I didn't know where to look. Pinterest isn't exactly full of ideas for this sort of thing, though believe it or not, I did find some good ideas there. And last year I wasn't as "connected" to others in the baby loss community as I am now. Those ladies never let me down when I'm seeking out info such as this. But little by little I pieced together some plans and created some of my own and my holidays were actually quite lovely. Bittersweet. But beautiful. 

This year, I thought I would compile those ideas from last year, along with some I've heard about and gathered recently, in hopes this list will find its way into the hands of some other lost loss mama looking for ways to honour and celebrate her beautiful little one this Christmas.

1. Decorate: If decorating for the holidays is your thing, try to find ways to incorporate baby into your decor. I added a gold butterfly to our door wreath so Ryan was always the first thing I'd see when I got home or the last thing I'd see when I left. There are also wonderful artists who will make prints (seasonal and not seasonal) that incorporate your child's name.  You can hang it over the holidays (or all year round). Check out Luminous Light Studios to see what I mean. (Though I'm sure there are many such ideas on Etsy, too! -- Or make your own! I find great pleasure in creating things for Ryan.) And since I always like to keep fresh flowers by his photo in the living room, I used poinsettias over the holidays just to keep it seasonal. I've seen other mamas add touches of their babies to gingerbread houses! Initials over the doorway or baby's symbol somewhere hidden or not. Very sweet and made me smile to see.
2. Stockings: It kind of goes hand in hand with decorations, but in speaking with other loss mamas about this one it goes both ways. Some people love to see a stocking for their little one, and some people find it too hard. I personally hated seeing only 2 stockings last year. So I added one for Ryan. We didn't do anything else with Ryan's stocking apart from hang it, but this year I have a few other ideas. I'd like to create a tradition where around Christmas Eve we stuff it with a little something to bring out to the cemetery for him. A flower. A light. An ornament. Something to decorate his place. This is something that Brayden and maybe any other future kids could be a part of. Also, another loss mama told me that last year she had family and friends do a random act of kindness, tell her about it, and then she wrote them all down separately, put them in the stocking, and on Christmas morning they opened them and shared all the beautiful things done in her baby's name. I love this idea, and plan to do the same this year. 
3. Ornaments: Also related to decorating, and if you're anything like me, the ornaments got a little crazy last year. But I'm okay with it. Basically the entire upper half of my tree was dedicated to Ryan. It was pretty special. This year, I participated in an ornament exchange. I submitted my details about Ryan and in exchange was given details about another lost baby. I've made him an ornament to send to his mom (in Alberta) and somewhere else around the world someone is thinking of us and making a special ornament for Ryan. It'll be added to the collection this year. Other families with lost little ones have whole trees (often smaller ones) devoted to their little one's ornaments. I don't know if we'll ever get there, but you never know!
4. The Candle: I made Ryan's candle last Christmas (by "made" I mean wrote his name on a glass hurricane using a glass-marker). Ever since it's my go-to for wanting to feel him close to me. We spent the holidays away from our current home and travelled to visit my family in my hometown last Christmas and the candle came with. We lit it by the tree on Christmas morning. It was lit by the table for Christmas dinner. And it'll do the same this year. I also travelled with Ryan's bear. He slept bedside and sat by the tree for gift opening. These tokens of him are important to me and therefore belong where I am for these major milestones.
5. Attend an Event: This was a hard one for me, but it was important. A baby loss group in my area held a candlelit vigil for our babies a few weeks before Christmas. We had been to such events before and they're sad. They are. There's no other word for it. It's a room full of parents, missing babies (some families missing more than one baby), and people cry. And hug. And hold each other. Mamas fall to pieces. Dads hold them up. It doesn't sound like a lovely way to spend an evening really. BUT it was also really beautiful. The candles. The music. The poetry read. Hearing the babies' names said out loud. Sometimes I need to DO something, go somewhere, that's just for him. Something that's not for any other purpose than for remembering him. I think that's why I go to the cemetery so often. I have no other reason to be there but for him. So this ritual last year, is one I hope to continue this year. A Christmas tradition that is just for him. Do some research and see what's available in your community. Bereavement groups (or even the local cemetery where your baby may be buried) will almost always have something special planned for this time of year. Other groups in my community host tree lightings or other such memorial services.
6. Music: Music is a big part of the holiday season. Something else that was healing for me last Christmas was to pick a song for Ryan. Mine happened pretty organically. I was out driving and the Carpenter's "Merry Christmas, Darling" came on the radio and the lyrics had me crying so hard I almost had to pull over. It's a beautiful song about missing someone at Christmastime. And from now on when I hear it, I think of Ryan. I'll play it as I wrap gifts, or head out Christmas shopping, just to bring him with me.
7. Donate: I'm obsessed with Ryan's death having meaning. For me, this means doing good whenever I can in his name. Last year we donated a new toy to a children's charity. The toy was geared to a 3 month old baby. This year, it'll be for a 15 month old. Another loss mama makes goodies for the nurses at the hospital where she delivered her baby. (I'm pretty fortunate to know such thoughtful and giving women). Find something that has some meaning for you, and give back in your baby's name. 
8. You Know Best! The best advice I can give, though, is for you to do whatever it is you feel comfortable with. Participate in everything. Participate in nothing. Just like everything else with grief, no one can tell you what to do. If you feel up to the Christmas party, go. If you don't, stay home and eat cookies on the couch. I disappeared more than a few times at family gatherings last year just to collect myself. I may have to do more of the same this year. And I will. And I won't feel bad about it. The best thing you can do to honour your baby this Christmas, is to take care of yourself and find joy, even if it's only a tiny amount, in whatever you can. 

​That's all from me, though I'm sure there are so many other great ideas out there. I'd love to hear what you have planned,

I wish you a gentle and beautiful holiday season.