Song: Better Place
Artist: Rachel Platten
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This playlist needs another song for Brayden. Another song to celebrate the healing power of my rainbow. The sweet little baby who has become my sunshine. This amazing little guy who has made my world a better place.

Lyrics:
I'll tell the world, I'll sing a song
It's a better place since you came along
Since you came along
Your touch is sunlight through the trees
Your kisses are the ocean breeze
Everything's alright when you're with me

And ah ah ah ah ah, you're my favorite thing
Ah ah ah ah ah, all the love that you bring
But it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong
It's a better place since you came along
It's a better place since you came along

I see the whole world in your eyes
It's like I've known you all my life
We just feel so right
So I pour my heart into your hands
It's like you really understand
You love the way I am

And ah ah ah ah ah, you're my favorite thing
Ah ah ah ah ah, all the happiness you bring
But it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
And the sun paints the skies and the wind sings her song
It's a better place since you came along
It's a better place since you came along

Ah ah ah ah ah
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ah ah ah ah ah
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Now I'm alright, now I'm alright
Everything's alright

Cause it feels like I've opened my eyes again
And the colors are golden and bright again
There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong
It's a better place since you came along
It's a better place since you came along

Song: Remember Me This Way
Artist: Jordan Hill
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Remember. As if I could forget. It's Mother's Day, and few days could force me to remember more than today. One of my fellow loss mamas said it best: Ryan made me a mom. Brayden made my motherhood dreams come true. For me, today is a day for balancing what my motherhood is. It's mothering Brayden here on earth with kisses and cuddles and all those other important things like diapers, naps, and feedings. But it's also finding ways to mother Ryan. That's so important to me. Lately, I've been working on focusing how he is still present instead of only seeing his absence. Especially on days like today. It means incorporating him into our celebration instead of only feeling miserable that he's not here. I'm tackling the challenge in finding you in beautiful things. Today we grabbed some sweets from a favourite bakery, a storybook about a mom and her boy, a picnic blanket, and the 4 of us spent some time at Ryan's place. We talked, and laughed, and read, and ate. And had some time together. Then we moved on to our next activity. Our family certainly doesn't look like most other families, but it looks pretty special to me. And I still miss him. I miss him so fiercely I can't help but think of him during every moment we shared today. But today it was about thinking of him and smiling. The boy who made me a mom. I need to do more of this. Every day. Not just special days.

Lyrics:
Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found

I know you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

I don't need eyes to see
The love you bring to me
No matter where I go
And I know that you'll be there
Forever more a part of me, you're everywhere
I'll always care

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
I'll be standing by your side and all you do
And I won't ever leave
As long as you believe
You just believe
​
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

Song: If No One Will Listen
​Artist: Kelly Clarkson

I know that I'm fortunate in a lot of ways. One of those ways is that I've never struggled to feel heard after Ryan died. I had and found a pretty incredible support system of listeners. People always willing to sit and talk and listen whenever I needed to say something, to talk about him. And when I couldn't talk about him, and I took to writing, I found just as many people willing to read and write me back saying that they heard me. Sometimes all I get back is a "like" or an emoji. Usually a heart. But it lets me know I've been heard. That the words I write, or say, the things I'm feeling are not going unheard. I'm lucky for that. But on my journey I've met more than a few women who haven't felt heard. Who haven't felt like they're surrounded by listeners. And that has made them afraid to speak of their babies. No one should carry their loss alone, and everyone should feel like they have somewhere to go. Today's song is here to let those women know that I'm willing to listen if they feel like talking. It's also here because no playlist of mine would be complete without a little Kelly. :)

Lyrics:
Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think that there's enough you might drown?

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

No one can take you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you will find there
And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
It's screaming every step, "Just stay here?

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still​

Song: The Scientist
Artist: Coldplay

I do believe in magic. I believe it's more than coincidence when Ryan "winks" at me throughout my days -- the flicker of a light, an R or butterfly appearing in an unexpected place or in an important moment, a special song on the radio at just the right time. Yes, that's magic to me. But in terms of healing, there is no magic. No spell to be chanted to make the hurt go away. No incantation to bring him back to me. It is work, not magic, that brings healing. So today, I flipped the prompt to it's opposite. Magic becomes science. And even though there isn't any one scientific way to grieve, science, like grief, is complex. The lyrics of this song are so true. "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard." Grief and healing are hard work. But it's hard work I've learned to sink my teeth into. Finding ways to heal, like this, are places I can channel my grief. 

Lyrics:
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

Song: Small Bump
Artist: Ed Sheeran

Today is a lot. It's a Ryan-milestone (1 year, 8 months). And it's International Bereaved Mother's Day. It's no surprise lately I've been doing more than my usual share of thinking of Ryan. And most of it seems to be about the day he was born. One of the ways I know I still have a way to go towards healing is that I find myself still wondering why. Why did it happen? How did it get missed? Should I have asked more questions? Pointed more fingers? Was this really unavoidable? Could it have been caught? I don't know. I don't think I ever will. And I know, I really know, it doesn't help to ask these questions now. But I think back on that day, that night, and I still wish I would have done things differently. Held him more. Longer. Even though the warmth of my body was doing harm to his. The only way I make it out of these spirals of wishing and wanting is by reminding myself I did what I had to, what I could do, in that moment, and there's no going back. I was as gentle as I could be with his fragile body in those short moments we had together. This song is about a couple who loses a baby after 5 months of pregnancy. It addresses the hope and love had for the baby, and the questions they're left with when his life ends. It's how I feel today, on this 7th of the month, this day to honour mothers with hearts broken for their children.

Lyrics:
You're just a small bump unborn, in four months you're brought to life,
You might be left with my hair, but you'll have your mother's eyes,
I'll hold your body in my hands, be as gentle as I can,
But for now you're a scan of my unmade plans,
A small bump in four months you're brought to life

I'll whisper quietly, I'll give you nothing but truth,
If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you

You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh, you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

Oh, you're just a small bump unknown, you'll grow into your skin.
With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.
Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice,
And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide
A small bump, in four months you'll open your eyes.

And I'll hold you tightly, I'll tell you nothing but truth,
If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you

You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh, you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

And you can lie with me,
With your tiny feet
When you're half asleep,
I'll leave you be.
Right in front of me
For a couple weeks
So I can keep you safe.

'Cause you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

'Cause you were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life.
Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why.

Song: Stand By Me
Artist: Ben E. King

Today I picked a song that (to me at least) is timeless. A playlist full of healing music wouldn't be complete without at least one (or more) songs for the guy who literally stood by me during every heartbreaking moment we experienced and every wave of grief that knocks me over even today. He's the person who comes the closest to understanding my pain. When everything around me was crumbling, I made it through because he was standing by me.

Lyrics:
When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
No I won't be afraid
Oh, I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

So darling, darling
Stand by me, oh stand by me
Oh stand, stand by me
Stand by me

If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
Or the mountain should crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry
No, I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darling, darling
Stand by me, oh stand by me
Oh stand now, stand by me
Stand by me

​So darling, darling
Stand by me, oh stand by me
Oh stand now, stand by me, stand by me
Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me
Oh stand by me, won't you stand now, oh, stand
Stand by me

Song: If I Die Young
Artist: The Band Perry

To this day I can barely sing the first verse without getting choked up. What with all the talk of rainbows and burying your baby. Life really isn't what we think it ought to be. And if you've lost a child, every day will always be different than it should be.

Lyrics:
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in a river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colours, oh,
And life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, oh well
I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, oh well
I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand,
There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by...

...the sharp knife of a short life, oh well?
I've had just enough time

So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh, no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save 'em for a time when you're really gonna need 'em, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, oh well
I've had just enough time

So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls.

This week I did two things. I continued what I imagine is the incredibly long process of figuring out how to tend to Brayden's needs on my own now that Rich is back to work. And I also managed to find some thinking time as I spent some time alone for the first time in a while. In the last 13 months, I've grown accustomed to "me time." Always finding an excuse at least a few times a week to spend time alone practicing self-care and reflection. So as overwhelming as the past few days have been, in a lot of ways they've also been really good for me too.

I thought I'd piece together some of my thoughts through the last few days (ahem, week) that I've missed for Capture Your Grief.

Day 21: Relationships
I've already written at length about relationships. Those that have strengthened. Those I have lost. Those I have gained. When I hear the word relationship right now, there's one that comes to mind that I feel a little worried about. And that is the one between this baby in my arms and the one in my heart. Brayden and Ryan. How will that look? Because one thing is for certain: I want them to have one some day. I'm not totally sure how it will look yet. But I've seen it be possible, and I want that for my boys.

Day 22: Pearls of Wisdom
The only piece of advice that I've taken and really ran away with has been: Do what I need to do in my own time. This whole grieving thing looks different for everyone. How I grieve my son is going to be different from how someone grieves a father, a brother, an aunt, a grandparent. And even how someone else grieves for their child. I have climbed through the darkness time and again by doing whatever I need to do to get myself there. And this bit of advice, this "pearl of wisdom," has allowed me to do that without guilt or fear of judgement. That has made all the difference.

Day 23: Sounds, Seasons, + Scents
To this day, I still think of Ryan whenever I hear the song, "Riser" by Dierks Bentley. At this point, I can't even remember why that song takes me to him, but it does. It's everything I had hoped to be able to be after losing him. Strong again. Unafraid. A protector of him and my family. I work on these things every day, and it always seems that when I need the reminder most, that song pops on the radio and gives me a boost. I will also always think of Ryan when Fall arrives. Ryan came to us at the end of summer. But I don't remember it being summer at all. Probably because when I "emerged" from the thickest fog, it was suddenly Fall. And I remember the fear of seeing the seasons change and feeling that time was moving on without me. I still love the Fall, for all the beauty it brings. But it will always remind me of Ryan. And when Fall creeps in, there will always be a little jolt to my heart that time has kept rolling on.

Day 24: Consciously Becoming
"So many of us split our lives into a timeline of before and after our children died. Who were you before your children died? Who are you now? Who are you now in this present moment? What are you feeling? Have you been irrevocably changed by the death of your children? How are you different now? Do you love anything about the new you? Do you want and old part of you back? Who are you becoming? " ... Well then. Those are some big questions. Questions I think anyone might have a hard time answering, let alone someone in my shoes. Someone who spent a year defining and defending her motherhood only to bring a baby earth-side and have to wrestle with the term "motherhood" all over again.  So instead, let me say: Yes I'm a bit different since Ryan died. But I am still me. A little bit broken. A little bit stronger. I'm a walking contradiction, I guess. I am consciously trying to become better. A better mother. A better wife. A better daughter. A better friend. Just a better me. And in that way I'm the same as I've always been. Maybe a bit hard on myself, actually. So I'm also trying to take it easy on myself. 1 month, 13 months, 5 years... I'm always going to be changing and evolving and growing. And that would be true even if Ryan had stayed. Except maybe then I wouldn't be that little bit broken.

Day 25: I Am (Finish these sentences:)
I wish... I could watch my boys grow up together.
I remember... what I imagined my family would look like some day.
I can not believe... how wrong I was.
If only... I could have them both here with me, instead of only one.
I am... once again trying to figure out my "new normal."

Day 26: #WhatHealsYou
This. This is what heals me. I've been swimming in a sea of diaper changes and feedings, trying to figure out a routine. Trying to learn how to mother a baby on earth. I wouldn't trade it for anything. But then this guilt sets in. This consuming guilt that the garden in the back has yet to be tended to, yet to be prepared for winter. I haven't been the cemetery in 3 weeks. I haven't written here in a week despite an overwhelming flood of feelings and thoughts. I haven't even had the presence of mind to light Ryan's candle in the whirlwind that has been the last 2 weeks. So when one of many nap times rolled around today, and I sat down to REALLY get into this catch-up session, I found I could breathe a little lighter. I'm "healed" at least temporarily from the "mom-guilt." When I'm focused on writing, I'm focused on Ryan. Sure, I'm still tuned in to the hiccups and grunts and sighs in the bassinet next to me. But my heart is with my other son. My first born. And that brings me some peace.

Day 27: Family is Forever
I have built a family of four. (Five, including our dog, Chase!) And even though all four of us humans aren't here walking the earth, each and every one of us plays an important part. Each member is forever. And because of that, it's so important to me that they're all acknowledged. Before my parents left after Brayden was born last week, they wanted a picture with their grandkids. "All four of them," they said. My sister's two, and Brayden, and Ryan's bear. When my dad grabbed the bear to hold in the photo it took everything I had to not break down in tears. Not because I was sad. (Though, yes, I was certainly sad Ryan wasn't physically here for the photo). I wanted to cry for the joy that he was included. Then today, in the mail came a big package addressed to "Mr. Brayden Francis Russell." (Which was adorable to see, by the way). Inside, from my mom (and dad) was a Halloween package for him. There was a card, some bottles, soother clips... That kind of thing. But there was also a card addressed to Ryan. A perfect little Halloween card with a message for him. And yes, okay, I cried. And my heart sang a little too. Because I have two sons. And the acknowledgement of that will always bring me simultaneous joy and longing. It's all about the confirmation that my boy is forever part of our family.

I heard this song today. "Why, Baby, Why?" by Mickey Guyton. It's really a beautiful song, but it made me feel all kinds of sad, and tears sprang to my eyes quite quickly and effortlessly.

If you listen to all the words, it's very obviously about a break up, and wanting to stop feeling the pain of losing someone you love because they've walked away or you've made some mistake to push them away.

But since I've gotten so good at projecting my own stuff onto the world around me, the pain in the song, the sadness, the sentiment of losing someone and having their absence leave a burning ache inside of you, clearly resonated with me.

Here's a sample of the lyrics that made me feel all the feelings:

To be clear, I don't want to be separated from Ryan's love. And I don't ever want to let him go. Even still. Even now. Even though he's already gone. But if you take a listen to the song below, I think you'll hear that pain and sadness that's so easy for me to connect to.