Song: Burn to Dark
Artist: Chris Carmack
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​It's the last day of May! And I love today's prompt: future. I love the idea of looking forward after a month of often looking backwards to reflect on how I got to where we are now. So what exactly does our future look like? If I've learned anything, it's that I guess no one ever really knows. You can hope. And you can plan. But the future is unknown to us. Maybe we'll have more children. Maybe we won't. Maybe we'll move somewhere tropical and make our living selling fruit at a beach fruit stand. Maybe there's more trouble and hardship waiting for us. We can't know. I don't want to. I just want to walk forward into whatever future is waiting for us, together. With my family. With Ryan at the centre of it. Because all I REALLY know about the future, is that I have no future that does not involve him. That does not involve missing him. Thinking about him. Acknowledging him. He is part of my past. He is with me every day. And he is certainly coming with me into my future.

Lyrics:
When the mountain sinks away into the desert sand
When the ocean swallows up the city streets
When the morning sun forgets to rise and the sky's no longer blue
Honey, that's when I'll quit missing you

When that shot glass on the shelf don't remind me of
All the good times and bad ones too
When I forgive myself for all I did and didn't do
Honey, that's when I'll quit missing you

When all the stars burn to dark and fall
Will I forget your name as the years go by
When memories start to fade as memories do
I may regret forever, what I know I had to lose

That don't mean I won't be missing you
That don't mean I won't be missing you

Song: It's Quiet Uptown
Artist: Kelly Clarkson
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This song is from the musical Hamilton, though this is Kelly Clarkson's cover. (Had to throw in another Kelly -- AND haven't included any musical theatre tunes, so this one was a must). Especially because of the content. Two parents left grieving their son's death. And it pretty much nails what it means to lose a child. "There is suffering too terrible to name. You hold your child as tight as you can, and push away the unimaginable."

Lyrics:
There are moments that the words don't reach
There is suffering too terrible to name
You hold your child as tight as you can
Then push away the unimaginable
The moments when you're in so deep
Feels easier to just swim down
And so they move uptown
And learn to live with the unimaginable

I spend hours in the garden
I walk alone to the store
And it's quiet uptown
I never liked the quiet before
I take the children to church on Sunday
A sign of the cross at the door
And I pray
That never used to happen before

If you see him in the street, walking by himself
Talking to himself, have pity
You would like it uptown, it's quiet uptown
He is working through the unimaginable
His hair has gone grey, he passes every day
They say he walks the length of the city
You knock me out, I fall apart
Can you imagine?

Look at where we are
Look at where we started
I know I don't deserve you
But hear me out, that would be enough

If I could spare his life
If I could trade his life for mine
He'd be standing here right now
And you would smile, and that would be enough
I don't pretend to know the challenges we're facing
I know there's no replacing what we've lost
And you need time
But I'm not afraid, I know who I married
Just let me stay here by your side
And that would be enough

If you see him in the street, walking by her side
Talking by her side, have pity
Do you like it uptown? It's quiet uptown
He is trying to do the unimaginable
See them walking in the park, long after dark
Taking in the sights of the city
Look around, look around, look around
They are trying to do the unimaginable

There are moments that the words don't reach
There's a grace too powerful to name
We push away what we can never understand
We push away the unimaginable
They are standing in the garden
Standing there side by side
She takes his hand
It's quiet uptown

Forgiveness, can you imagine?
Forgiveness, can you imagine?

If you see him in the street, walking by her side
Talking by her side, have pity
Look around, look around
They are going through the unimaginable

Song: Riser
Artist: Dierks Bentley
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Thanks to a nagging cold the past three days I've been feeling pretty low. But that's when songs like yesterday's and today's are most impactful. Songs about finding strength when you're dealing with some of the tough things life throws at you. Strength in yourself, but also strength in others. I've shared this song before, but it's one of my most resonating "Ryan-songs" so I'm sharing it again today.

Lyrics:
Lay your pretty head down on my shoulder
You don’t have to worry anymore
This old world is cold and getting colder
And I know how to lock and bolt the door

I’m strong enough to hold you through the winter
Mean enough to stare your demons down
The hard times put the shine into the diamond
I won’t let that keep us in the ground

I'm a riser
I'm a get off of the ground, don't run and hider
Pushin' comes to shove
Hey I'm a fighter
When darkness comes to town, I'm a lighter
A get out aliver, of the fire
Survivor

If we ain't got no money I can make it
And I ain't afraid of working to the bone
When I don’t know what I'm doin' I can fake it
I'll pray 'til Jesus rolls away the stone

I'm a riser
I'm a get off of the ground, don't run and hider
When pushin' comes to shove
Hey I'm a fighter
When darkness comes to town, I’m a lighter
A get out aliver, of the fire
Survivor

I'm a trier
I'm a get down low so I can lift you higher
An army couldn’t keep down my desire
Yeah

I'm a riser
I'm a get off of the ground, don't run and hider
Hey pushin' comes to shove
And baby I'm a fighter
When darkness comes to town, I’m a lighter
Get out aliver, of the fire
Survivor, I’m a riser

I’m a riser...

Song: Rise Up
Artist: Andra Day
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I'm reasonably confident that I've shared this song here before. So I won't write much. Except that it's the perfect song for healing -- especially when you're feeling broken. It's about "rising up" from that brokenness and facing life head on. But most importantly, it's about finding someone (or someoneS) to stand there with you to help move the mountains.

Lyrics:
You're broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry-go-round
And you can't find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains

And I'll rise up
I'll rise like the day
I'll rise up
I'll rise unafraid
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
And I'll rise up
High like the waves
I'll rise up
In spite of the ache
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
For you [4x]

When the silence isn't quiet
And it feels like it's getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we'll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I'll rise up
I'll rise like the day
I'll rise up
I'll rise unafraid
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
For you [4x]

All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
We will rise
We will rise
We'll rise, oh oh
We'll rise

I'll rise up
Rise like the day
I'll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we'll rise up
High like the waves
We'll rise up
In spite of the ache
We'll rise up
And we'll do it a thousand times again
For you oh oh oh oh oh

​Song: Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)
Artist: Billy Joel
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Is there anything more soothing than a lullabye? I did a lot of crying after Ryan died, as I rocked in his room, arms empty, wishing I had him there to sing to. I couldn't sing anything for weeks after he died without crying. I think I've mentioned before that I had imagined so many times, the joy I would get from soothing my little one to sleep with my voice. A joy that I am so lucky has been realized with Brayden. Those kinds of "full circle" moments have been such a blessing for me. There have been quite a few times where only some gentle singing would get Brayden to sleep or calm himself. And it's every bit as wonderful as I imagined it to be. 

Sidenote: If not other songs on this playlist have brought tears to your eyes, I think this one might do it. Every. Single. Time I listen to it I get all misty-eyed. That's Billy Joel's way.

Lyrics:
Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I will be

Song: Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)
Artist: The Dixie Chicks
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I saw a hashtag the other day, #momofboys. It made my heart flutter. I'm a mom of boys. But not in the way some moms get to be. I don't know what the future will bring. Maybe one day Brayden will get another brother, here on earth, to do all those things brothers do together. Maybe. But in the meantime, I'm a mom of a boy on earth and a boy apart from me. I love this song because it talks about all the little boy things, but then about love flying on angel's wings. It feels written about my two boys. The one I tuck in with a kiss on the head, and the one I send my love to every single night.

Lyrics:
Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

Song: Praise You
Artist: Fat Boy Slim
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I very nearly didn't include this song. At the last minute I went searching for some other song of celebration. This one just seemed too upbeat. But then I remembered that this whole thing is supposed to be about healing. And part of healing means feeling good. And this song is definitely a feel-good. Not to mention the lyrics are perfect. Short. But they say it all. It's been a tough journey, but Ryan is so worth celebrating. He deserves to be celebrated.

Lyrics:
We've come a long long way together,
Through the hard times and the good,
I have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should

We've come a long long way together,
Through the hard times and the good,
I have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should

I have to praise you
I have to praise you
I have to praise you
I have to praise you like I should
(And so on, and so on, and so on...)

Song: Dreaming with a Broken Heart
Artist: John Mayer
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This song is perfect for a "fragile" prompt because few things are more fragile than dreams and a broken heart. I don't dream about Ryan. I have maybe twice since he was born. And after both times, I remember waking up and being so sad it was over. Just wanting to put myself back to sleep and back into the dream. But I couldn't. It was gone. I don't think I need to elaborate on the fragility of a broken heart. My heart is forever broken. The pieces have been put back together, but it doesn't take much for me to feel the ache of Ryan's loss. I wonder what it would be like to dream of him now. Would he be grown? Would he still be the baby I lost? Would the dream be a happy one? Or would it be as sad as the ones I had right after he died? I think I don't dream about him because I don't know how to. I wish I could. 

Lyrics:
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering, "Was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?"
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering, "Could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?"
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hand?
would you get them if I did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

Song: Tattoo
Artist: Jordin Sparks
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This is a song about knowing when to leave behind a relationship. Knowing when to move on. Though I hate the phrase, "move on" and feel as though I'll never be able to leave Ryan behind as a part of my past, I know instead that as I move forward, further from the dark days and into whatever the future holds, Ryan will be with me in everything I do. He's not physically here, but that doesn't mean he's just something that happened to me. He's a real part of our family, and a really big piece of my heart. He's "on my heart just like a tattoo." And I will always have him with me.

Lyrics:
No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later, I'll get what I'm asking for

No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
That truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger, I gotta let my spirit be free

To admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on
And leave you behind

I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back at a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you, I'll always have you)

I'm sick of playing all of these games
It's not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror, didn't deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could

Stop, admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I gotta be strong
And leave you behind

(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you)

If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
Still a part of me and you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything i do

Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you

Song: When I Look to the Sky
Artist: Train
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"When I look to the sky, something tells me you're here with me." It's true. I catch myself looking up in the moments I'm searching for Ryan. After Brayden was baptized yesterday I caught myself staring at the rafters of the church, a tear in my eye. During a tough afternoon with a cranky baby, a gaze upward, asking Ryan for a little patience. Blowing bubbles with Brayden in the backyard on a sunny afternoon, I turn my face to the sun and feel both my boys with me. This is what my daily life is. Searching for him in the moments. Knowing I can "find my way" when I feel him with me.

Lyrics:
When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye 

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go 

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright 
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here 

And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away 

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave

Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plain overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me 
When I am hoping it won't pass me by 

And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright 
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here