I have been counting down to certain milestones in this pregnancy without much success in each one making me feel better. "Surviving" the precarious first trimester. Having a healthy 20 week anatomy scan. And now, this morning I was greeting by a notification on my phone: "Congratulations on 24 Weeks!"
I know this congratulations comes from the first "viability" mark. If you've been pregnant. been close to someone who's pregnant, or maybe just know a lot about pregnancy, you know that 24 weeks is a "big deal." Baby has a chance of surviving if he's born after 24 weeks.
What a relief, right?
Well, I thought I'd feel relieved today. I've been waiting and waiting for 24 weeks. The last two have actually crawled by more slowly than any other so far, that's how badly I have wanted to be here. But now, as always, I'm left with a lack of comfort and waiting for the next milestone: 28 weeks.
Why 28? Well, that's the start of trimester 3. But also, at 24 weeks baby has a "chance" at surviving. It's about 40%-70%. Here are my problems with this: a) that's a wide range, no? and b) 40% is less than half. I seem to have lost my optimism... At 28 weeks, the chances of survival are greater than 90%. I like those odds better.
However, I've said it before again and again. No odds feel great when you were part of the less than 1%. I have no real reason to believe baby brother will come this early. But my heart seems to want to prepare itself for any eventuality. So I've been waiting on my milestones. I get that temporary sigh of relief that it's here. And then in an instant it's on to waiting for the next one.
It's a bit contrary to my savour every moment of this pregnancy ideal, but that seems to be part of the complicated package of pregnancy after loss.
So, yay! Today I'm 24 weeks pregnant. My little one has significantly developed his lungs as he practices his breathing, is developing taste buds, constantly putting on the grams, and (if my heartburn is any indication) becoming a little hairy thing like his brother.
But now I'm ready for 28 weeks. I'm ready to feel a little bit safer. Even though I know too well that safety is but an illusion. Something we tell pregnant ladies so they can relax and enjoy the ride.
I think I'll spend today trying to do just that. Relaxing and enjoying. Happy 24 weeks, baby brother.