Last week, after months of speculation, we found out that Ryan is getting a baby brother.
Though Rich had hoped for a surprise this time, I knew that would be a very hard thing for me this time around. And, supporting and loving and gracious man that he is, he jumped on board for me to spoil the surprise.
With Ryan, I "needed" to know for my Type-A personality planning purposes. I wanted a very specific nursery design for boy or girl and I wanted to get started right away. I wanted to shop, and white, yellow, and green just weren't going to cut it.
This time was different.
My need to know, wasn't from a place of planning -- though yes, that was part of it. (That bit of my personality did not go missing when Ryan went missing from me).
This time, I needed to know because I have this intense desire to know everything about this baby that I can possibly know. It comes from this place of fear that this is the only time we'll get together. I know I've only been pregnant one other time, but in my experience, that's as far as I have gotten with my babies. All I know, is the time we get before we're supposed to get a lifetime together. This pregnancy is everything to me. And I feel the need to make the most of our time together.
And, as I expected, there are a lot of feelings that come with finding out this baby's sex. My initial reaction was relief. Relief that something like an X chromosome wouldn't be sending me home to pack up Ryan's things. I knew I didn't care one way or the other, as long as he was healthy. I know so many parents say that, but I know that YOU know I mean it. I didn't realize until we saw his cute little boy bits on the screen (we won't tell him I called them that), that I would feel relieved at the sight of them. But sure enough, when Rich asked me how I felt, I heaved a big sigh. Not that a girl would have been less precious to me. My heart melts at the thought of Rich and a little girl. (I even had a beautiful nursery planned that incorporated bits of Ryan's nursery decor -- Surprise, surprise). But as it turns out, I still wasn't ready to face the idea of boxing up Ryan's clothes and baseball things.
This little guy inside me has already given us so much joy, and now he seems to have saved me from facing a very scary milestone, at least for now.
And although I don't think I'll ever stop wishing that they could have had the chance to grow up together. Play sports together. Wrestle like boys. Race their bikes home before it gets too dark and mom gets mad. Experience all of those brotherly moments together. I hope they'll have a different kind of special relationship. Where baby brother never feels alone because he knows his big brother, Ryan, is always looking over him.
I always thought I'd be blessed with my own little troupe of boys.
It's different. But I never realized how blessed I would be.
I'm totally in love with my boys.