Back to School

It has been a very confusing and overwhelming couple of days. 

Yesterday was my first day back to work after summer vacation. It should have been my first day back after maternity leave. Ryan and I should be in that overwhelming mom and baby stage of spending our first full days apart. Dropping him off at daycare each morning. Crying a few tears on my drive in to work. Me thinking how fast time flies...

But instead, distance between us has become a common thing. I don't really have to worry about how Ryan is adjusting to daycare. Ryan will never need daycare.

Instead, my head is full of worries for Ryan's brother. 

This exact time last year, Rich was returning to work. Without me. I was busy at home. Nesting. Getting ready for Ryan's arrival. I had one week at home, just me, Chase, and Ryan inside. Going on short walks to the park. Reading. Putting my feet up. Enjoying some quiet reflective time. We couldn't know how devastatingly that week would end.

This week. This very week.

So I've been on pins and needles. Fortunately, my week has been full of appointments. OB. NSTs. Ultrasound. It's reassuring to have so much excellent and thorough care checking in on Baby Brother. Especially this week. The week I associate with everything going so horribly wrong.

Today is exactly one week until the anniversary of Ryan's death. One week and one day until the anniversary of his birth. 

And I have chosen to go back to work. To try and bring some semblance of normalcy to a time when everything seems anything but normal. 

I've completed all tasks and meetings in the last two days in a bit of a fog of remembrance and worry. I hesitate to do anything too similarly to how it was done a year ago. I can't risk that feeling of deja vu. I walk around with my hands glued to my belly. Feeling every wiggle, kick, and hiccup. Memorizing their feeling. Afraid they'll go away.

It seems "Back to School" has taken on even more significance to me. It no longer marks the end of summer. It also seems to remind me of the end of my time with Ryan. 

Yes. It's been an overwhelming few days... These days that are leading me to two incredibly more significant days.