I'd like to take a minute to point out some of the beautiful things that have happened recently. It seems I see moments of beauty differently now. Sometimes more simply. And sometimes they're so complex they bring tears to my eyes.
There is beauty in celebrating our babies who have died. In the past few days and in the days to come, many babies, friends of Ryan's I call them, have celebrated (or will celebrate) their first birthdays. This is a milestone that scares me a little. A year seems like such a long time to be without Ryan. But I watched in awe as these moms, dads, families, and friends have outwardly and unabashedly celebrated their babies' birthdays. They've shared so openly such an emotionally charged milestone, and they've done it with such grace, love, and beauty that I have spent 2 days (and I see so many more days to come) in utter admiration. One family collected over 250 newborn sleepers and blankets in only one month to donate to the hospital in which her son, Sam, was born still. People from all over the world, myself and Ryan included, sent these baby clothes to help her boy help other families like ours in an incredibly devastating time. Her baby has made an impact on this world, and that is beautiful thing. But not all birthday celebrations have been so extravagant as that. Sometimes, there's so much beauty in the little things. For other birthdays, celebrations have been as simple as dressing up a teddy bear, imagining fantasy birthday parties, blowing bubbles at a resting place, buying flowers in a special colour.... And moms and dads from all around the world take to social media to celebrate one another's babies. It is the most inspiring, beautiful thing.
There is beauty in being honest and real about our stories. I was finally able to share with a new neighbour that this baby I'm growing is not our first child. It came up again in conversation and this time, I was confidently able to say that this would be our second. That in September our son passed away, and we're so hopeful that this time will be different. And as a mom herself, she cried a little with me. And it was okay. It didn't shut down our conversation. But I think it connected us a little bit more. It was a real, and honest, and beautiful thing.
And there is beauty in taking quiet moments for yourself. Tonight was my second prenatal yoga class. And instead of worrying about all of the things that might happen. And all of the other women and their journeys, their stories, I turned my thoughts inward. I went in with an intention for the night and I really got something out of it. I stretched my body, focused on my breathing, and really did connect with both Ryan and baby. It was just what I had hoped, and it, too, was a beautiful thing.
It's important to me to mention that no, not everything has righted itself since last week's emotional rollercoaster breakdowns. Not everything is suddenly perfect. But in taking a moment to focus on what is beautiful and good, I have been able to focus some of my nervous and anxious energy into finding some calm. I'm not positive or certain about all things. But I am positive that there is still some beauty to be found in all of the darkness. And yes, even that is a beautiful thing.