Commemorating One Year of Reflection on Loss

Today is my website's one year anniversary. I was surprised when I logged on to Facebook this morning and it reminded me of this fact. One year ago today, I published my first piece here. And I can't believe how far it has come since then. It gave me a moment's pause to think about life then, and life now. What this blog meant then, and what it still means today. 

One year ago, as I started writing, I was looking for a place to share my fears, my worries, my hopes, my grief. I was a bereaved mother with aching arms and a deep desire to share my heart with anyone who would listen. I felt I was floundering to find purpose and hope and took to the internet to connect with people who maybe felt the same.

Now, as I continue writing, I strive to share all of those same things, but I'm coming from a different place. Still a bereaved mother, but one with a living baby here in my arms. I'm still seeking to share my heart with anyone who will listen, because one year later, the ache has lessened but a void still exists. I know my purpose now, and I have connected with so many beautiful mamas from all around the world.

So, why do I still write? Yes, because my grief is ever-evolving. And with Brayden's arrival it has deepened and intensified and created a whole bunch of new little nuances that I sometimes need to sort out. But also for a very important reason.

When I started writing, it was because I had read so many other stories from so many other mamas with more experience than I had and it was those stories, those blogs, those mamas, that gave me more hope and courage to move forward every day than I thought possible at the time. I keep writing today, one year later, because I hope to return the favour. I hope to reach new mamas looking for support..

Babyloss hurts, to put it mildly. And it is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Knowing I wasn't alone was the real game-changer for my grieving. 

I have written about it, and will continue writing about it, because nothing has helped me more than talking about our loss. Before Ryan died I knew no one who had lost a baby. Or at least that's what I thought, because no one talked about it. And I didn't know it was okay to talk about it until I just went ahead and did it. I was so afraid of everything babyloss-related. I mean, that's why I only have one photo of Ryan. I didn't know what was normal. In fact, I felt that the whole situation was so NOT normal. I know differently now. I know that babyloss is normal and common, and I know how important it is for people to talk about it and to feel that they CAN talk about it. By opening up about it myself, I invite others to do the same. This creates a discourse, and a way of normalizing this very specific kind of grief. The more people talk about it, the more support there is for people who need it.

So a big thank you to everyone who has supported me in this writing and advocating adventure I've been on this past year. Thank you to those who have read and reached out. And thank you to those who read and hold my words in your heart and in your mind. If anything I've ever written has helped anyone half as much as writing it has helped me then every minute spent writing has been worth it.

​Here's to another year of sharing, connecting, and grieving together.