The very domestic chore of grocery shopping is one I reserve for the weekends. Usually I make time on a Saturday morning or early afternoon to go pick up the necessities for the week. Unlike other tasks like getting a haircut, or my eyebrows waxed, which I have avoided for some months now (yikes), I can't avoid grocery shopping. And it seems weird to admit, but I've had my share of grief moments in the aisles of the grocery store.
I've mentioned before the early challenges of all the darn babies that are proudly carted around the store. I'd be transfixed at the beautiful new moms with carts full of food and a carseat trotting through the aisles. Tears on my cheeks. Wishing I was them.
Those pains have mostly gone. I don't feel the need to stare at the new babies. Wistful. Now, I give them a little smile. And carry on with my business.
Lately though, I seem to have developed new grocery store pains. The ones that come when I'm filling my cart with the things Rich and I like, wondering what might be different if Ryan was here. I realize it's useless to spend time aching over "what ifs," but there will always be a giant "What If" cloud drifting over my head. And though most things I can consider what if and move on, sometimes, for some reason, I get hung up on some of them. Like this one.
He'd be nearly 7 months now. What foods would be his favourites? What would I be buying that I don't have to buy now? I can barely walk by the baby food aisle because I constantly feel robbed of the fact that I don't need anything down there.
This is what baby loss looks like. It's psyching yourself up for the little things like grocery shopping. Because sometimes it's those little things that we looked forward to the most with our little ones in tow.