I'm writing my first post from outside by Ryan's Garden. I was so happy to complete another special place for him. (Even though one of my plants is doing this weird droopy thing and I'm not quite sure why it's the only one that's so mad at me... but we'll see what happens).
Anyway. Finishing the garden has left me in a pretty weird place. This house was never meant to really be our "Forever Home." It's a great house for us. And it'll be wonderful for many years to come. But there's a criterion or two that we had hoped to find in a house someday that until recently seemed like it might take a while for us to get there.
My younger sister has been looking at properties and that always seems to peak the curiosity of Rich and I. So we started browsing a few listings, only to come across a house that checks every box... and isn't out of financial reach -- which in this market seems too good to be true. So, a pretty serious conversation began about whether or not it was time for us to make "the move."
In my head, every voice was saying: "Yes!" Really, we've been looking for an opportunity like this almost since we moved in to this house 4 years ago.
But something uncertain in my heart had been holding me back. Rich was very excited about the possibilities. Why wasn't I? This was what we had wanted, wasn't it?
It didn't take long for me to realize that my reservations all came from a very sentimental place. If things had been different; if Ryan had gotten to come home, I have no doubts we'd be signing on the dotted line right now. Packing boxes and getting ready for a new chapter in a new home. But I didn't get to bring him home. I have this room in my house that has sat empty since the day we bought it. When we toured the house that day with our agent I had picked it to be the nursery. We lived in this house for 3 years before it had any purpose aside from "empty room waiting to become a nursery." And then it became a nursery. But no baby has slept there. No quiet lullabies have been sung from that room with a baby in my arms.
And I realized I don't think I can go anywhere else until I get those moments. There's something about our time in this house that feels incomplete.
Maybe someday I'll be ready to leave this house behind. But for now, it's my home. And I'm still so hopeful it'll get to be the home we bring a baby to. In our arms. Not just in our hearts.