I Carry [His] Heart

My heart will forever be intertwined with Ryan's. 

It was through my beating heart that Ryan's heart came alive. And I have always wondered what he felt in those last moments before his heart stopped beating. It is one of my greatest fears that he felt pain. Recently, it was described to me that because babies in the womb don't breathe air the same way we do, that his death was painless and he just gradually fell asleep.

I don't know if this is true. But it certainly gives new meaning to the expression that he was "born sleeping."

I also read the most beautiful quote that brought my heart some peace on the subject. (I wish I could remember who said it...)

"The last thing he heard was the lullaby of my heartbeat singing him to sleep."

I may never sing him to sleep with my voice. But there's some comfort in knowing our hearts beat together for a time, and we were together at the end.

I miss my boy a lot today.

I wish I could hold him in my arms instead of only in my heart.