It's Complicated

I think for the duration of the retreat that I wish so desperately I was at, that I will make a greater effort to write every day this week about things I would have likely talked to my mama friends about. As it turns out, there are many women at the retreat this year carrying their rainbows. We're all actually due within a month or two of each other. It would have been so healing and amazing to sit and chat with them about all of the feelings that come with this incredible blessing.

And I mean, ALL of the feelings.

It's really a complicated ride.

Even now, I'm sitting in "the nursery," it feels like a room in transition. What was once "Ryan's Room," is now something different. I silently reprimand myself regularly when I call out to Rich to "open the door to Ryan's room," or something similar. Because it's not only his anymore. I should be calling it "the nursery" or "the baby's room." But I slip up from time to time. My heart is going to have to catch up to my head and acknowledge that there are some things that will soon become "theirs" instead of only "Ryan's." And some things will be just for baby. They won't have anything to do with Ryan. And that's good too! I just can't shake the little pangs of guilt when I have to imagine "his things" becoming "their things" or "baby's things." 

I wonder if this is something all parents feel when baby 2 comes along, or if it's a pain only reserved for loss moms like me.

There's an intricate balancing act of feeling happy and hopeful, and sad and wistful. I know new baby will always have a brother. Always know his brother. Their relationship will hopefully be a very special one because it's not like many other relationships. But at the same time I wish so hard that this baby could have a big brother here on earth. Today I watched as a big brother helped his little brother unload their hockey bags from the back of mom's SUV and it was a little shot to my heart to wonder what that might have looked like with my own kids someday. And then I think that this little one inside of me wouldn't be here at all if things had been different with Ryan. I want Ryan in my arms every single day. But having him here would mean giving up my newest little and I can't even imagine...

These are the thoughts I can't let enter my mind. They're just a glimpse into how complicated my heart can be.

But I somehow manage this balancing act. Every day. I sit in this room and I miss every moment I didn't get with Ryan while at the same time imagining and hoping for all of the moments to come with my little wiggler inside.