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It's in the Mail

1/15/2016

4 Comments

 
Picture
Pre-September I checked the mail a few times a week. Around here, we're usually heavy on the junk mail and light on anything important. Along with everything else, that changed after Ryan died.

I've said it before, but the stream of cards and small gifts we received in the weeks after September 7, was constant. I began to get the mail every day. Not a week would go by without something arriving.
As more time passed, the mail eased up as it should, but every now and then something will appear. A "take-care-of-yourself" package. A Christmas ornament. A special book made just for me. Every day I check the mail, and on these special surprise days the mailed sentiments lift me. The same way a new mother beams with pride when others speak of and compliment her baby, that's how I, the bereaved mother, feel when I'm told someone was thinking of mine. And it doesn't matter that I "know" everyone thinks of him from time to time or all the time. It's important to be let in on the secret.

That's what getting mail does for me. Whether it's mail in my mailbox, a note in my inbox, a text, a comment, a like, a message. Knowing he's thought of is such a precious gift.

Not long ago, a fellow loss-mom shared a photo of a letter she received addressed to her, her husband, and her angel-baby boy. I was moved to tears by the thoughtfulness of such a gesture from the sender. And it's a gesture that might be hard to understand. But my angel baby is so much a part of the family, that when I receive mail, like letters and cards, addressed to only "Amanda and Rich" I get a tiny pang of sadness in my heart knowing that if he had gotten to stay the card would be addressed differently.

To: Rich, Amanda, and Ryan

It's a remarkable thing how the smallest gestures can be the most powerful. You'd be surprised by the impact a simple blue heart emoji can make. It all may not seem like much, but even those small acknowledgements can put that proud-mama smile in my heart.
4 Comments
aunt carol
1/15/2016 09:02:36 pm

This never ends, it will always bring you joy to have someone speak of him, say his name or post a thought. I think it's a reassurance of something you know, but it's a boost to get that gift of knowledge that your not alone and the grief is shared. I don't know Amanda if I have ever sad thank you for your posts. Thank you for voicing so many things I never told a soul. Thank you also for your strength to share. I know you will help more than just me with this absolutely incredible writing skill you have. Your way with words is such a gift in ways you cannot even imagine. So to you, Richard and Ryan, I send much love, thanks and hugs.

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Sarah
1/15/2016 11:19:06 pm

I got a card a year after and was shocked and humbled that a friend - not family remembered. It meant so much. ❤

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Cindy
4/5/2016 04:16:19 pm

Amanda, I came across your blog from your IG after somehow seeing different accounts from other Angel Moms. I have not lost a child to still birth, I lost two mine at 13 weeks pregnancy. Although I'm in pain from my loss it no way compares to the complete loss of carrying full term and losing your child. I am so sorry you lost Ryan. I am commenting because soon after I miscarried I also lost my dog. She became my world and comfort during my time of grief and I lost so much when I lost her. Like nothing was longer there to remind me of my baby. Your posts have touched on so many emotions and cycles I've gone through and I appreciate you putting them into perspective. I've lost friends who never even sent their condolences, I open the blinds every morning and I smile even when I hurt. Grieving is such a lonely process but understanding emotions is a step in the right direction. Thank you for sharing your words. I know they are here to help you through the process but they have helped me and I'm sure others along the way. May God bless you, comfort you and give you peace.

Reply
Amanda
4/5/2016 04:34:33 pm

Cindy, there is never a point in comparing losses. To each of us, our loss is great, no matter how far along in our pregnancies we were. Your loss is just as significant because your babies aren't in your arms where they should be. And I wish they were. Thank you for messaging. I hope you continue finding comfort and healing.

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