Weekends are the time to run errands. And now that baseball season is in full swing (no pun intended), Rich is back to spending his weekends coaching all over the GTA. So I'm back to doing my own projects. Today I was tackling the planning stage of Ryan's garden. Since we've moved in to our house (almost 4 years ago!) I've wanted to do some planting in the backyard but haven't had the motivation I guess. Or I've found every excuse to put it off:
We have to fix the grass first.
Let's build the deck first.
I'm pregnant, I don't want to put all that energy into gardening...
Well, now I'm pregnant again, but Ryan needs a garden. We were gifted a beautiful garden stone last fall with Ryan's name on it, and I'm dying for a beautiful spot to call his. Especially since this space, his nursery, will soon belong in part to someone else. (Something I can't really wrap my head around quite yet...) So, I was off to get planning.
On the radio came this song by Meghan Trainor and John Legend, "Like I'm Gonna Lose You." I was singing along like I do, when the words started to sink in:
We're not promised tomorrow...
As I sang through the tears, it made me think of my new little one. And it made me think of so many of the things I've been reading lately about subsequent pregnancies. No matter what journey we're on, we each have to do what's best for us. In a lot of my readings (blogs mostly), many women choose to be much more guarded in their pregnancy after loss (PAL). They're reluctant to take bump photos, make purchases, decorate the nursery. For fear that they'll lose this baby too.
I'm afraid of those things, too. But I think I'm the opposite of being too guarded. I think I spend most of my time feeling like, if this is the only time I'm going to be given with this baby, I need to make every moment, every memory count. I did a lot of documenting of Ryan's pregnancy. Showers, bump photos, journals, social media posts, announcements. In some ways, I'm doing even MORE of that this time.
We're reading together already. I'm taking weekly bump photos instead of the sporadic ones I took of Ryan's bump. I've already embraced the tighter maternity shirts to show off my belly as much as I can. In fact, even though I don't always need to, I pretty much exclusively wear maternity clothes already, just because I can. I recently "caved" and bought the doppler my OB recommended so I can hear baby's heartbeat whenever I want. This baby is here now, and deserves to be celebrated as much as I feel ready to celebrate.
I read something else recently in a post about things you do during your rainbow pregnancy that other people might not understand. One of those things was "Have two birth plans: One if baby lives, and one if baby doesn't, Because maybe if you plan for it this time, it won't happen." (I encourage you to read it if you have the time, and would like to know what the day to day can be like for me sometimes). "Two birth plans" is such a dark thought. But it's one I've seriously thought about since finding out about my rainbow. What if I lose this baby too? I know what I would do differently this time. In some ways I suppose I have that "other" birth plan tucked away in the back of my mind, if I need it.
But in the meantime. I'm "making the most of the minutes" and loving with no regrets. While still trying so hard to keep the balance by honouring my first born and making sure others keep doing the same.
So, it's back to garden planning for us.