I probably talk about "Me Time" too much. And maybe I'm spending too much "Me Time" and not enough time with other people. But here's the hard truth. I love spending time with other people, but it can be exhausting. Honestly, a lot of the time, it's okay. I'll go out, and have a good time. Laugh. Talk. Tell stories. Joke around. But if I'm not in an environment where it feels okay to talk about Ryan -- or just mention him in passing -- it's exhausting to keep my focus.
A "regular mom" would be able to go out and field tons of questions about her little one at home. Would be able to duck out of a gathering early to get home to baby. But it doesn't always feel as acceptable for me to do it. To bring him up.
"I was thinking about Ryan today..."
"This thing happened and it totally made me think about Ryan..."
"I missed Ryan a lot today..."
Sometimes I feel the anxiety amp up in the room when I even mention being pregnant with him. A newly pregnant mom was telling me about a pregnancy condition she's dealing with right now. And so I felt it appropriate to relate it to something I experienced in my (totally regular, textbook) pregnancy. Instantly she was all stammers and shifty and exited the room. Like how dare I compare her pregnancy to mine that ended in tragedy?
So yes. Sometimes I prefer "Me Time" to "Social Time."
Sometimes I like to spend my Friday/Saturday night on the couch, with PVR, a movie, a book, a cup of tea, and/or some colouring. (Which by the way is actually a super mind relaxing, calming thing -- even when I don't have the patience to colour in the really tiny lines). One of my colouring books also happens to be full of butterflies, which feels like bonus Ryan-time.
But what I'm trying to say is, sometimes going out is great. And just what I need. But sometimes it's not. And that's okay.