MWAH Day 7: Be Gentle

Song: Small Bump
Artist: Ed Sheeran

Today is a lot. It's a Ryan-milestone (1 year, 8 months). And it's International Bereaved Mother's Day. It's no surprise lately I've been doing more than my usual share of thinking of Ryan. And most of it seems to be about the day he was born. One of the ways I know I still have a way to go towards healing is that I find myself still wondering why. Why did it happen? How did it get missed? Should I have asked more questions? Pointed more fingers? Was this really unavoidable? Could it have been caught? I don't know. I don't think I ever will. And I know, I really know, it doesn't help to ask these questions now. But I think back on that day, that night, and I still wish I would have done things differently. Held him more. Longer. Even though the warmth of my body was doing harm to his. The only way I make it out of these spirals of wishing and wanting is by reminding myself I did what I had to, what I could do, in that moment, and there's no going back. I was as gentle as I could be with his fragile body in those short moments we had together. This song is about a couple who loses a baby after 5 months of pregnancy. It addresses the hope and love had for the baby, and the questions they're left with when his life ends. It's how I feel today, on this 7th of the month, this day to honour mothers with hearts broken for their children.

Lyrics:
You're just a small bump unborn, in four months you're brought to life,
You might be left with my hair, but you'll have your mother's eyes,
I'll hold your body in my hands, be as gentle as I can,
But for now you're a scan of my unmade plans,
A small bump in four months you're brought to life

I'll whisper quietly, I'll give you nothing but truth,
If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you

You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh, you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

Oh, you're just a small bump unknown, you'll grow into your skin.
With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.
Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice,
And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide
A small bump, in four months you'll open your eyes.

And I'll hold you tightly, I'll tell you nothing but truth,
If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you

You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh, you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

And you can lie with me,
With your tiny feet
When you're half asleep,
I'll leave you be.
Right in front of me
For a couple weeks
So I can keep you safe.

'Cause you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

'Cause you were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life.
Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why.