These last few days have been hard. I remember as your 6 month milestone approached, I was scared. Scared that time was moving on too quickly. And now, one month away from what would have been your 1st birthday… I barely have words that can adequately express the ache I have in my heart.
It’s only time. And time passing doesn’t change how much I love you, how much I miss you. But there’s something so monumental about having lived without you for one year. On your 11 month milestone I sit here in the cemetery hoping time can both slow down and speed up. I sit in conflict with my own emotions. Balancing a shocking sadness that you’ve been gone for so long, and mother’s desire to find ways to celebrate your upcoming first birthday despite your obvious absence.
I’ve spent at least two days now trying to function between short crying jags. The nearness of September 6th and 7th has not only made me miss you incredibly, but it has also made me so fearful for your brother. A fear I know will intensify as the day we lost you looms. This month, little one, don’t worry about me, but put all of your love and energy into your baby brother. Keep him safe for me. I try so hard but endlessly worry that it won’t be enough, like it wasn’t enough for you.
I catch myself holding my breath or holding back tears because a situation seems too similar to a moment I carried you at this time. This month I really know what it feels like to be a mother of two as daily my focus constantly shifts between worrying about your brother, and worrying that I could never do enough to honour and celebrate your extra special milestone next month. Finding ways to celebrate a life that couldn’t be lived can seem an impossible task.
I know this is something hard to understand for someone who has never lost a child, but even though you’re gone, I still worry about you as if you were here. You can see my heart, so I know you know how much you’re loved, but as your mom it’s my job to see to it that you are taken care of, even in death, and I plan to do just that.
Just like no milestone has gone uncelebrated or unrecognized by me, your first birthday will be no different. I can promise you that. I know I plan to spend the day with you close by, and I’ve worked out a plan to celebrate your memory by donating some keepsake/remembrance boxes to the hospital in your name.
Today, 11 months without you, I’m here to acknowledge my love for you. My longing for you. And my fears and the sadness that this time of year will inevitable carry with it. 11 months is just one more month on this long road of carrying you in my heart instead of my arms.
I miss you terribly.
But I celebrate you every day.
I love you forever, baby boy.
Happy 11 Months.