I've been having a bit of a hard time lately writing about what's really in my mind and heart. My thoughts have been a bit of a jumble. So today, I figured I take it easy and write about something simple but very prevalent in my life. And that is butterflies.
It all started with a few butterfly cards we received after Ryan died. And the butterfly stickers the nurses used to adorn his memory box. And the certificate of life they gave us. The butterflies in the book at the cemetery when we were designing his "headstone." Butterflies were everywhere.
I really started to hold on to them when I took my first walk alone after he died. My family had just left and I was feeling antsy in the house. I walked down to the park I imagined us spending many afternoons at. I sat in the swing, and in early Fall, a white butterfly fluttered in the grass nearby. That was when I came to see them as little Ryans, popping up to say hello.
6 months later, and there's not a corner of our living room/dining room/kitchen that doesn't have a little butterfly hanging around. Same with our bedroom. It's not like a butterfly museum or anything. But a little touch here and there so my baby fills our home.
Now, with Spring around the corner, butterflies are everywhere once again. Just this past weekend I was grocery shopping, and a brief detour through the Joe Fresh section had me impulse buying the prettiest butterfly pyjamas just screaming to come home with me. I had to resist the 3 other shirts and a super cute dress all with various butterfly prints. (I don't know where I found the strength!)
Basically, butterflies make me think of him. Not that I need much help in that department. They make me smile. Because despite all of the sadness I often share here, his memory does make me smile too.