I wasn't planning on writing today I came to the cemetery just to get out of the house. We're going on day 5 with Rich gone and conveniently day 5 of Brayden going through some kind of miserable phase where his sleep sucks, he's refusing to eat foods he once devoured, and he's not happy on the ground or in my arms really. But he's happy when we're out and about. So I guess I am here at the cemetery today visiting one baby to get a bit of a break from my other one. As terrible as that might sound for a loss mom to say. Sorry to anyone who that might hurt.

And though the break from the crying is nice, I got a sad surprise when I got here. All of Ryan's butterflies we've left in the public garden next to his grave have been removed. And I don't even know how long they've been gone. I haven't been here since the 7th and it makes my heart sad to see his little spot without anything. Like no one visits.

So now I'm not sure if I feel better or worse.

But the quiet has been nice.

Yesterday was the 7th. I spent the day running around, packing, doing laundry, and constantly thinking of you.

Today we left for our first real family vacation. It will be insanity... but full of music, food, pool time, baseball. But it will definitely be missing you.

When I was pregnant with you, I planned the most epic road trip across Eastern Canada and the Northeastern US. You would have been about 10 months old. Near the age Brayden is now. We never got to take that trip and I think if we ever do, it'll probably be quite difficult. Most things I planned to do with you but can't tend to be that way.

So that's why this trip as the first one instead of that one. Breaks the ice on the whole family vacation short one member thing.

But I know we're not really without you. As always you reveal yourself to us in the most special ways. Like the giant butterflies sculpted onto the building right outside our hotel window.

​I look forward to seeing more of you in next 10 days.

​Love you forever and never far from our hearts.

One year ago I was sitting here celebrating your 9 month milestone. Significantly more important than a 21 month marker to be sure. I wrote about it as the day that officially moved me into the zone of being apart from you longer than I was with you. Since that day, that physical separation has gotten greater and greater – obviously. That’s how time works.
 
Now, I’m sitting in the same place, but with a different situation. Brayden sits next to me, making all of his little guy noises, clapping with joy over the celery in his hands. And me, utterly confused about how I could spend the last few weeks the way I have.
 
It’s been a hard few weeks. Actually, the depth of the challenge of the past couple weeks I don’t think I can really explain. But I have been out of sorts. Not quite myself. On the constant verge of tears. So quick to anger. Shockingly impatient (even for me). Totally unable to shake the consistent shitty feeling following me around.

A year ago, I’d have blamed my situation. Missing you. Afraid for the little life growing inside of me. End of the school-year burn-out.
 
But now. I don’t know. I feel like crap and can’t seem to pinpoint the source.
 
So, I blew off our plans for the day, packed a picnic lunch, and came here. A place I’ve been able to count on to feel some calm. And even with Brayden climbing all over me, still celery in hand, I’m feeling bits and pieces of that calm I’ve been clamouring for over the past two weeks. I know these 30 minutes won’t fix anything. But maybe it’s a start.
 
I’m glad I made the time to visit you today.
Thank you for hearing me out.

Song: Burn to Dark
Artist: Chris Carmack
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​It's the last day of May! And I love today's prompt: future. I love the idea of looking forward after a month of often looking backwards to reflect on how I got to where we are now. So what exactly does our future look like? If I've learned anything, it's that I guess no one ever really knows. You can hope. And you can plan. But the future is unknown to us. Maybe we'll have more children. Maybe we won't. Maybe we'll move somewhere tropical and make our living selling fruit at a beach fruit stand. Maybe there's more trouble and hardship waiting for us. We can't know. I don't want to. I just want to walk forward into whatever future is waiting for us, together. With my family. With Ryan at the centre of it. Because all I REALLY know about the future, is that I have no future that does not involve him. That does not involve missing him. Thinking about him. Acknowledging him. He is part of my past. He is with me every day. And he is certainly coming with me into my future.

Lyrics:
When the mountain sinks away into the desert sand
When the ocean swallows up the city streets
When the morning sun forgets to rise and the sky's no longer blue
Honey, that's when I'll quit missing you

When that shot glass on the shelf don't remind me of
All the good times and bad ones too
When I forgive myself for all I did and didn't do
Honey, that's when I'll quit missing you

When all the stars burn to dark and fall
Will I forget your name as the years go by
When memories start to fade as memories do
I may regret forever, what I know I had to lose

That don't mean I won't be missing you
That don't mean I won't be missing you

Song: It's Quiet Uptown
Artist: Kelly Clarkson
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This song is from the musical Hamilton, though this is Kelly Clarkson's cover. (Had to throw in another Kelly -- AND haven't included any musical theatre tunes, so this one was a must). Especially because of the content. Two parents left grieving their son's death. And it pretty much nails what it means to lose a child. "There is suffering too terrible to name. You hold your child as tight as you can, and push away the unimaginable."

Lyrics:
There are moments that the words don't reach
There is suffering too terrible to name
You hold your child as tight as you can
Then push away the unimaginable
The moments when you're in so deep
Feels easier to just swim down
And so they move uptown
And learn to live with the unimaginable

I spend hours in the garden
I walk alone to the store
And it's quiet uptown
I never liked the quiet before
I take the children to church on Sunday
A sign of the cross at the door
And I pray
That never used to happen before

If you see him in the street, walking by himself
Talking to himself, have pity
You would like it uptown, it's quiet uptown
He is working through the unimaginable
His hair has gone grey, he passes every day
They say he walks the length of the city
You knock me out, I fall apart
Can you imagine?

Look at where we are
Look at where we started
I know I don't deserve you
But hear me out, that would be enough

If I could spare his life
If I could trade his life for mine
He'd be standing here right now
And you would smile, and that would be enough
I don't pretend to know the challenges we're facing
I know there's no replacing what we've lost
And you need time
But I'm not afraid, I know who I married
Just let me stay here by your side
And that would be enough

If you see him in the street, walking by her side
Talking by her side, have pity
Do you like it uptown? It's quiet uptown
He is trying to do the unimaginable
See them walking in the park, long after dark
Taking in the sights of the city
Look around, look around, look around
They are trying to do the unimaginable

There are moments that the words don't reach
There's a grace too powerful to name
We push away what we can never understand
We push away the unimaginable
They are standing in the garden
Standing there side by side
She takes his hand
It's quiet uptown

Forgiveness, can you imagine?
Forgiveness, can you imagine?

If you see him in the street, walking by her side
Talking by her side, have pity
Look around, look around
They are going through the unimaginable

Song: Riser
Artist: Dierks Bentley
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Thanks to a nagging cold the past three days I've been feeling pretty low. But that's when songs like yesterday's and today's are most impactful. Songs about finding strength when you're dealing with some of the tough things life throws at you. Strength in yourself, but also strength in others. I've shared this song before, but it's one of my most resonating "Ryan-songs" so I'm sharing it again today.

Lyrics:
Lay your pretty head down on my shoulder
You don’t have to worry anymore
This old world is cold and getting colder
And I know how to lock and bolt the door

I’m strong enough to hold you through the winter
Mean enough to stare your demons down
The hard times put the shine into the diamond
I won’t let that keep us in the ground

I'm a riser
I'm a get off of the ground, don't run and hider
Pushin' comes to shove
Hey I'm a fighter
When darkness comes to town, I'm a lighter
A get out aliver, of the fire
Survivor

If we ain't got no money I can make it
And I ain't afraid of working to the bone
When I don’t know what I'm doin' I can fake it
I'll pray 'til Jesus rolls away the stone

I'm a riser
I'm a get off of the ground, don't run and hider
When pushin' comes to shove
Hey I'm a fighter
When darkness comes to town, I’m a lighter
A get out aliver, of the fire
Survivor

I'm a trier
I'm a get down low so I can lift you higher
An army couldn’t keep down my desire
Yeah

I'm a riser
I'm a get off of the ground, don't run and hider
Hey pushin' comes to shove
And baby I'm a fighter
When darkness comes to town, I’m a lighter
Get out aliver, of the fire
Survivor, I’m a riser

I’m a riser...

Song: Rise Up
Artist: Andra Day
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I'm reasonably confident that I've shared this song here before. So I won't write much. Except that it's the perfect song for healing -- especially when you're feeling broken. It's about "rising up" from that brokenness and facing life head on. But most importantly, it's about finding someone (or someoneS) to stand there with you to help move the mountains.

Lyrics:
You're broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry-go-round
And you can't find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains

And I'll rise up
I'll rise like the day
I'll rise up
I'll rise unafraid
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
And I'll rise up
High like the waves
I'll rise up
In spite of the ache
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
For you [4x]

When the silence isn't quiet
And it feels like it's getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we'll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I'll rise up
I'll rise like the day
I'll rise up
I'll rise unafraid
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
For you [4x]

All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
We will rise
We will rise
We'll rise, oh oh
We'll rise

I'll rise up
Rise like the day
I'll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we'll rise up
High like the waves
We'll rise up
In spite of the ache
We'll rise up
And we'll do it a thousand times again
For you oh oh oh oh oh

​Song: Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)
Artist: Billy Joel
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Is there anything more soothing than a lullabye? I did a lot of crying after Ryan died, as I rocked in his room, arms empty, wishing I had him there to sing to. I couldn't sing anything for weeks after he died without crying. I think I've mentioned before that I had imagined so many times, the joy I would get from soothing my little one to sleep with my voice. A joy that I am so lucky has been realized with Brayden. Those kinds of "full circle" moments have been such a blessing for me. There have been quite a few times where only some gentle singing would get Brayden to sleep or calm himself. And it's every bit as wonderful as I imagined it to be. 

Sidenote: If not other songs on this playlist have brought tears to your eyes, I think this one might do it. Every. Single. Time I listen to it I get all misty-eyed. That's Billy Joel's way.

Lyrics:
Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I will be

Song: Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)
Artist: The Dixie Chicks
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I saw a hashtag the other day, #momofboys. It made my heart flutter. I'm a mom of boys. But not in the way some moms get to be. I don't know what the future will bring. Maybe one day Brayden will get another brother, here on earth, to do all those things brothers do together. Maybe. But in the meantime, I'm a mom of a boy on earth and a boy apart from me. I love this song because it talks about all the little boy things, but then about love flying on angel's wings. It feels written about my two boys. The one I tuck in with a kiss on the head, and the one I send my love to every single night.

Lyrics:
Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

Song: Praise You
Artist: Fat Boy Slim
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I very nearly didn't include this song. At the last minute I went searching for some other song of celebration. This one just seemed too upbeat. But then I remembered that this whole thing is supposed to be about healing. And part of healing means feeling good. And this song is definitely a feel-good. Not to mention the lyrics are perfect. Short. But they say it all. It's been a tough journey, but Ryan is so worth celebrating. He deserves to be celebrated.

Lyrics:
We've come a long long way together,
Through the hard times and the good,
I have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should

We've come a long long way together,
Through the hard times and the good,
I have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should

I have to praise you
I have to praise you
I have to praise you
I have to praise you like I should
(And so on, and so on, and so on...)