Over my morning tea this past weekend I stumbled across something I've been searching and searching for. Music. Specifically, music for this journey I'm on. People write songs about heartbreak and sadness and all kinds of miserable things all the time. But there's a pretty specific niche I was looking for. I wanted music that spoke to this kind of loss. The loss and heartache and devastation of losing a baby. Literally losing a piece of yourself.
And I found it.
But, I could only get through one song this weekend. I was so dissolved in tears at its finish. Maybe on future days when I feel that burning need for my loss to be understood, I'll listen to a few more. But this one was enough.
It's called "Small Bump" by Ed Sheeran. And although the story is only slightly different than mine (a difference of say 5-6 months), the journey is the same. Hope, hope, hope, love, and then crushing, horrible disappointment, loss, and sadness. And it all ends so abruptly.
Here are a few lyrics, and the link to the video. It's about as perfect a loss-song as I was looking for.
"Oh, you're just a small bump unknown, you'll grow into your skin.
With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.
Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice,
And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide
A small bump, in four months you'll open your eyes...
'Cause you were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life.
Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why."