Ever since we shared the news of my pregnancy last week, my brain has been swirling with all of the things I've wanted to write about for the last 3 months but couldn't. I've been struggling to decide what I need to say first, and I think today, the choice seems obvious.
I'm suffering from what I've affectionately called: "The 2 Week Itch." This is when, after about 2 weeks have passed since my last prenatal appointment, I begin to feel the anxiety, worry, and fear creep in to almost uncontrollable levels. Around this time, I'll usually consider taking another pregnancy test, debate the pros and cons of buying my own fetal doppler, or lay on the couch and will our baby to make a movement so great I can finally feel it. Anything to KNOW without a doubt, that I'm still pregnant.
It is around this time that I'll also search for the facts. The facts about how likely I am to lose this baby. But like most of the crazy things I try, this doesn't work. In fact, it often works against me. Because here are the facts:
After you have seen the "gestational sac" and the baby itself alive in an ultrasound (which we have twice), after you see that flicker of a beating heart, and hear it fluttering deep inside the womb (which we also have), after you cross into that second trimester "safety zone," your odds of losing the baby drop dramatically (for most women -- depending on a variety of factors). And I have been reassured by my doctor and every article I can possibly read, that my odds of losing this baby are less than 1%. Probably more like half a percent. When I was pregnant with Ryan, this was my sigh of relief. We were pretty safe.
Except that we weren't. Which is pretty surprising considering the following:
The fact is, the odds of a stillbirth (from 20-42 weeks gestation) are about 1 in 160. That's about .006%. And that's of ALL stillbirths. I can't find the stats for stillbirth at 40 weeks. But we know it'll be even less than that.
And yet, it happened to me.
So .5%... That seems pretty high in my mind.
The fact is, there is no statistical way of making me feel any less anxiety. But I have a doctor who gets that. Who agrees to see me every two weeks (or less if I want). So we can take a listen to the baby's heartbeat. Because until this little one grows large enough for me to feel movement consistently, I'm going to worry. And even then, I don't think the worry will stop.
I'll go see my doctor again on Tuesday. And until then, I'm sure the days will drag on.
I am 14 weeks in to a 40 week journey.
182 more days to go.