There are layers to this grief. My reflections are often focussed on the obvious layer. The missing Ryan. The wanting him. The hating that he's gone. But there's at least one other layer. Perhaps the most complicated one.
There's the trying again.
As if it's not enough to miss the baby I lost. To grieve the earth-bound kind of motherhood I was robbed of. I still have that intense ache to mother a baby here on earth. To give birth to life.
So in the midst of the missing Ryan, I have to deal with all the ups and downs of trying again for another baby. The anticipation of taking a test. The disappointment in finding out I don't have to. The unpredictability of my body trying to realign its own rhythms so soon after carrying Ryan for 40 weeks. Knowing that if we are lucky enough to get pregnant again, that the worst can and does happen.
But I have to remind myself to take one step at a time.
So, I exercise. I eat right. I track the things I need to track. I do what I can to de-stress (though in the process of grief that is not easy). I faithfully take my prenatal vitamin every day. And every day it reminds me that I'm willing to go on this uncertain journey again. I'm willing to put my heart on the line one more time. I offer up my broken heart, hoping it doesn't get a little more shattered. Because I want a baby in my arms. I want my angel to have a counterpart here on earth.
So we try again. And again. And lots of days are hopeful. And lots of days are full of disappointment. But we try. Again. And again. Looking for our rainbow.