To Do

Every morning, as I eat breakfast, I run through my "To Do List." This usually means as I'm grabbing my piece of toast and rushing out the door I'm scrambling to remember all of things I have to do or hope to get done that day. I have always felt best when busy. I find I'm more productive and more motivated when my To Do List is long.

Which is probably why after Ryan died and Rich went back to work, I had a few very serious meltdowns. Sitting at home, all alone, with nothing to do but "take care of myself" I went crazy. I was so lonely. So sad. I thought I needed to "get back to normal." I decided to pack my days with activity and plans. To keep busy. Well, this backfired. And my healing postpartum body rejected the idea quite brutally. But not only that, trying to occupy my mind all day only meant that all of my emotions I had repressed all day would overflow at night or all at once a few days later. After a few hours spent in the emergency room one evening I realized it was time to learn a very important lesson: How to be still.

Sometimes, our To Do Lists need to be short. Or at the very least, sometimes we need to fill them with activities to bring us calm or make us feel good. In the months since losing Ryan I have been working on moving at a slower pace. Realizing the little details don't always need to be worried about or stressed over. I had to learn how to sit in silence. How to let go. And not be a worrier, stresser, planner of everything. 

A friend recently shared an amazing "To Do List" that I instantly saved to my phone as a reminder of what is really important to do everyday. It lists:

1. Be grateful.
2. Be kind.
3. Let go of what I can't control or change.
4. Listen to my intuition.
5. Be productive, but calm.
6. BREATHE

I love this list. It's not easy stuff to do now that I'm back at work full time. I find I always want to slip back into the old me who wants to take control of things and fix the things that aren't working. So, I look at it almost every morning with my breakfast now (as I'm running out the door) and I make a focussed effort to try to accomplish these tasks every day. Some days I'm successful. Some days I am absolutely terrible at it. But as always, it's one day at a time.