Yesterday's prompt was unexpected losses. But with a goal of healing in mind, I knew I couldn't focus yesterday on all of the things I feel I've lost in this journey. There are many things, and sometimes I think on them too frequently. So I skipped it, and focussed on the garden instead because it makes me happy--especially when I'm operating under a bit of a dark cloud lately.
Today's prompt is unexpected gains. Much more positive. Much more healing. And much more of something I need to focus on. Because when I think about it, some of the things I've gained have been pretty special and definitely unexpected.
When Ryan died I felt like I lost a lot of love that should have been in my life. Surrounded by young families, I see too often the pure joyful love little ones have for their parents. You know what I'm talking about. Just take a look at any photo with a sweet little one snuggling mom. Or go to a big gathering and watch the littles hide behind dad's legs for safety. So I thought, without him here, there would be a noticeable absence of love in my life.
Though there is a Ryan shaped hole in my heart that no one can or will ever fill, I can honestly say that I have unexpectedly gained more love than I could have imagined from some of the most unexpected of places.
Just yesterday, I received in the mail a sweet gift from another loss mom, Taylor, and her baby, Bailey. I've met them through Instagram. They sent a baby onesie that says "Hand picked for Earth by my brother Ryan in Heaven." In her note she sent wishes for the new baby, love to Ryan, and thanked me for helping her not feel so alone. Mothers like her and so many others in this online community I have found have some of the biggest hearts I know, and they are undoubtedly the strongest women I have "never" met. I have gained an uncountable number of "sisters-in-loss" and I am so grateful to them for quite actually always being there.
This weekend is not an easy one for us--I've been falling apart slowly all week just knowing it is coming-- but we reach out to each other through the miracle of technology and hold each other up and let each other fall apart, knowing we'll all be there to help put us back together when it's over.
We always joke that we wish we didn't have to know each other. But I sure am glad now that I do. We'd all rather have our babies in our arms or crawling at our feet, but we don't. And instead we gained the love and support of virtual strangers. And it has been a beautiful thing that has truly made all the difference for me.
Love you ladies and all of your sweet babies. And thank YOU for loving me and mine.