When Mama Can't Fix It

Liked it or hated it, Coldplay performed the Superbowl Halftime show. I don't have a strong opinion one way or another, but they dropped a little mental bomb on me that night with the song Fix You.

I used to be obsessed with this song. I mean, play it on repeat until I learn every line and every chord by heart kind of obsessed. Then time rolled on and the obsession cooled down. I don't even remember the last time I heard it. But then it pops up out of nowhere on the 5 month anniversary of my son's passing, and suddenly, it's more relevant than it ever was before.

I had to stifle a few tears that night. Squish them out with my finger before they could roll down my cheek. Crying about your dead son can really spoil a light-hearted get-together. So I pulled it together in the moment, but got on Google when we left and reacquainted myself with the lyrics.

Here are a few pertinent highlights...

When you try your best, but you don't succeed...
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face.
When you lose something you can't replace.
When you love someone, but it goes to waste, could it be worse?
And high up above or down below,
When you're too in love to let it go.
Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones.
And I will try to fix you.

I get stuck on "When you lose something you can't replace." Because that's my life. I lost the most important thing you can ever lose. The little life we created out of so much love. And I am, and will always be "too in love to let it go."

So we honour him in every way we can. We celebrate him whenever we can. And we make spaces for him in our home. Because it's not enough to just have him fill up our hearts. He needs to be seen. To be remembered. And to be as much a visible part of our family as I can make him. I can't fix that he's gone. But I can make damn sure everyone knows he was here. If only for a little while.